Gen Z is the first generation to have less sex, says a sociologist with 33 years in the field

Step by step

1. Young people know the words but hold back the feelings ▶1:05

   Dr. Gunsaullus opens with a mixed picture. She says people in their 20s who come to her coaching practice often have amazing self-awareness and plenty of therapy language. Talking is not the problem. What she sees missing is vulnerability. Young clients tell her they do not really share what they want because it feels too raw. She also sees less resilience, meaning less willingness to be uncomfortable. She places that at the center of all intimacy, whether mental, emotional, physical or sexual. She says social media, and now AI, is speeding up the change.

2. One question sits under every stuck relationship ▶7:45

   After 33 years of work with everyone from Girl Scouts to CEOs, Dr. Gunsaullus says it all comes down to one question: what are you avoiding talking about, and why? She says the answer is usually a mix of courage and skills. People fear upsetting a partner or feeling exposed, so they push things under the rug until there is a big lump in the living room. She suggests regular check-ins and phone-free time together. She draws on the Gottmans' idea of bids for connection. These are the small moments, like a hand on the shoulder, that phones are crowding out.

3. Her fear about AI companions ▶29:34

   Dr. Gunsaullus says everyday friction, like waiting in a slow grocery line, trains us to be patient with other people. She says we saw that skill fade during the COVID isolation, when people came back rude and impatient. Chatbots remove that friction. She says they make you the hero of every story and tell you that you are right. She cites a study of people in AI relationships. Those who arrived with good social skills used AI to grow. Those already avoiding people were pushed further away. Her deepest fear is that some young people will decide real people are not enough.

4. The sex recession is real and still growing ▶38:32

   Dr. Gunsaullus points to Kate Julian's article in the Atlantic, which she recalls came out around 2018 or 2019. She says it was the first time she saw someone ask if we are in a sex recession. Every earlier generation had been going up in the amount of sex they had, she says, and Gen Z was the first to show a decline. Here we are eight years later, she says, and the trend continues and seems to be getting worse. She traces it to a fear of vulnerability and risk-taking, which she says leaves people stuck in anxiety and depression.

5. Porn became the sex education schools did not give ▶40:13

   Dr. Gunsaullus says even good sex education is clinical and detached from what real sex with another person feels like. Porn fills that gap. She says it is free, instant and visceral, and it burns into the brain. Adults can say it is not real, but it shows real people doing real things. She notes it models almost no consent talk and no condoms. She also says fear-based lessons wear off fast. As a college peer educator, she saw students vow never to have sex after scary slides, then report unprotected sex by Monday. She links porn and figures like Andrew Tate to more young men thinking choking is normal.

6. A personal story about consent ▶45:31

   About 10 years ago, at a San Diego storytelling event called The New Narrative, Dr. Gunsaullus told a room of 150, 200 people about a man who drove four hours to see her. They had agreed over dinner on no intercourse and no sex without a condom. She says she realized mid-encounter he was inside her, pushed him off, and made him stay to explain himself. Afterward, women from every stage of her life wrote to say the same thing had happened to them and they had blamed themselves. Fraternity men who saw the video said they knew they pushed and nudged. She wants to close that gap, not paint men as evil.

7. Her book tells women they are not broken ▶63:53

   Dr. Gunsaullus wrote From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. She says the madness is the feeling many women in long relationships carry when desire or orgasm is hard. They feel broken. Her book walks through research showing how shame and silence growing up led them there. Then it teaches mindfulness and communication skills. She aims it at women around ages 20 to 50 and leaves out menopause. She says men have read it, checked the research with their wives, and been surprised to hear yes.

8. Perimenopause and hormone therapy need a trusted clinician ▶68:50

   Dr. Gunsaullus says perimenopause can be a 10 year time period, and she shares a list of 30 different symptoms with women's groups. She says falling estrogen can make sex painful, and couples should treat it as a shared change with lube, warm-up and slowing down. On hormone therapy, she says a New York Times article she believes ran in 2023 reported that the cancer link from a 2003 study was not right for most women. She still warns against the swing to putting all women on it by age 40. A friend's symptoms were blamed on perimenopause until it proved to be stage three cervical cancer.